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| Sunset on the 25th |
Another year has passed; I have journeyed to “Lands End” and
set up my swag, walked about and taken photographs. Suddenly the name “Lands
End” has new meaning, the cairn I built almost 2 years ago stands, I have
placed more rocks on it today, one day it will be a permanent memorial to you.
Simon, the place has blossomed, so many of the trees and
shrubs we planted all those years ago are now mature. You fell to sleep in a
beautifully wild and tranquil place, it befits the “you”.
I had though the year after you left this world the hardest
imaginable, people had warned me year two would be harder, “how?” I
wondered.... now I know. The finality dawns then gnaws. Hope remains that the
finality is a dream....but frighteningly it is not.
I recall a Zen saying...... “before enlightenment chopping
wood, carrying water, after enlightenment chopping wood carrying water” the
saying is appropriate for before and during grief also, there is a healing
though to be found in the routine of everyday activities, damn hard to do
though, when all you want to do is curl up and hibernate.
I was privileged to meet other people on a similar journey,
the shared understanding is palpable, words need no exchange. A hug speaks
volumes. Much of the last year has been dark and difficult, although the pain
of loss can be an exquisite replacement for love no longer able to be enfolded about
ones soul mate. There were times though when that “dark final option” seemed
the only path to take until one remembers the pain of being the one left
behind; then rational thought prevails, not to subject another loved one with a
sudden loss.
Slowly though the memories have changed and I feel deep
gratitude for the many gifts you shared with me. I think you would be chuckling
that I am no longer a city girl, that I have other pastimes outside paid work.
I learnt to relax, laugh at myself, many a time when I muck something up I use
a famous Simonism “bloody idiot” and laugh.
My computer screen saver plays your photos, I often glance
up to find a photo of you waving or smiling, I smile or wave back, I see many
of your unique mannerisms and expressions captured and smile even more.
I live in the country now,a smaller town than you would have
ever imagined us living in, and I am learning about minerals of all
things......
Darling boy, I still talk with you every day, you do never
answer though, not that this surprises me.....
Thank you for every memory, our adventures, a lightness of
life. Your greatest gift to me is my ability to be in the moment, experience
the all, learnt through the experience of “us”.
Love Evermore
Susan
Susan
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| Morning light under the watchful tree |
